How To: Painting Your Formal Cooler
Apparently the sorostitutes are having a real hard time painting their formal coolers. Well, have no fear ladies, we’ve compiled a series of questions you can ask yourself as you go through the tradition of painting a formal cooler.
WHAT SHOULD I PAINT ON THE COOLER?
Well, What Fraternity is he in? Look to his greek affiliation for ideas of what to paint ON the cooler.
Is he a Sigma Nu or ATO? I know what your thinking, Why would my date be a Sigma Nerd?! I dunno, that’s something we’ll leave you to explain to your kids. Jokes aside we recommend painting some leetspeak and Java code on their cooler.
Is he an AEPI? Turn on ESPN and see which team they’re talking more about, the Giants or the Jets. Paint that team on the cooler. You may want to wait until the day before the formal or even bring extra paint because their allegiance can literally change overnight .
Is he a KA? Easy. Stars n’ Bars and Bobby Lee! And buy your date a belt. I don’t know what it is, but their pants fall down pretty much every time they shotgun.
Is he a Kappa Sig or ZBT? A jail scene or “Property of County Jail” is probably appropriate. You may want to also add your artistic interpretation of K-DAWG (see ours here), we’ve heard they’re all huge fans.
Is he a Sigma Chi? I wouldn’t worry too much then if I were you. He’s probably got a picnic planned on the Wyatt center lawn where you and him will paint the cooler together. The pleasant outing will be accompanied by a wine tasting and the soothing vocals of John Mayer.
Is he an SAE? Refer to what we say later about people with roman numerals in their names. Some combination of American Flags and whiskey brands should do the trick. But you have to remember a lot of these guys would rather have a Bible in their cooler than Jim Beam.
Is he a Phi Delt? Paint something from
Southern Proper, Southern Tide, Southern Marsh, Southern Point, Southern “fad clothing company that people wear to pretend that they’re not actually from Pennsylvania”.
Is he a DLP?
Is he a Dike? I’d focus on anything related to Dubstep, working out, and any sort of pop culture pun that includes Pike, PKA, DKE, or Dike. “PKAchu and the Pikemon”, “Dikeney’s Pikahontas” and “Dikieland Delight” all come to mind. And I know, I know, the whole “Dike” joke is getting old. But still, the only thing funnier would be if KD and Theta teamed up and we called them Kiddy KAT.
Is he a Beta? Well unless you feel like decorating a Hand Grenade or a Huge Ass Beer then you can sit back and relax. You see, they haven’t fully grasped the concept of their dates making a cooler and paying for all their booze. Maybe they think they’re more like gentleman for it,maybE
Is he in BYX? You may want to try and keep things kosher (or whatever hocus pocus word they use) by painting things like Capri Sun, Bible verses, and album covers from the band Creed. A promise ring would also be a nice touch.
Is he in another fraternity not listed? I’m sure he likes beer, yeah, go with beer.
Okay, so that last section probably didn’t help at all. But we’re not giving up. Still have cooler-painter’s bloc?
WHAT SHOULD I PUT IN THE COOLER?
Now that you’ve narrowed down what fraternity he’s in, you can look towards your date’s name for what to put IN the cooler.
Is your date’s name Jack? Perfect. I know just the thing. Paint the Jack Daniels logo on one side. I’m sure he’s never seen that before. He’ll be so impressed with your creativity. That was easy wasn’t it?
John/Johnny – Johnnie Walker. Blue if you actually like him, Black if you don’t
Morgan – Captain Morgan
Jerry/Larry/Harry/Barry – Sailor Jerry
Elton? – Mount Gay
Branthford/Remington or any other ridiculously southern middle name that they didn’t decide to go by until they got to college where it was “cool”. – If their name sounds like Winchester Repeating Carbine IV then go with Woodford Reserve or Makers Mark
Evan/Williams- Evan Williams, Duh.
Adolf – WOW, what an unfortunate name. Go with Heineken. Hey! Heineken isn’t from Germany! Ha, yeah right, next thing I know you’ll be telling me Winston Churchill wasn’t an American or BMWs aren’t from England. Get real!
Sam/Adam – Oh I don’t know, how about Sam Adams? Summer Ale if you’re headed to the beach, Winter Lager if you’re headed to the mountains.
Fabiani- Everclear, for yourself
Chad/Thad/Brad - Must be a bro with a name like that. Go with Smirnoff Ice
Is he a Ginger? How about the Fireball logo? And make sure you pack a lot of sun tan lotion
James (variations) – Jim Beam
Festus – seems unlikely but I guess he could have underground pledged. He always did come across as a Kappa Sig. Weird. Anyway, Starr Hill has a beer called Festie, it’d be perfect.
Matt/Pat – Natural Light or Patron
Jose – Jose Cuervo
Juan/Roberto/Miguel/Manuel/Diego/Pedro – Jose Cuervo
Seamus, or if their last name starts with “Mc” or “O’” – Guinness
Tyrone – Geeze, talk about a loaded question. This is gonna sound racist no matter what I say. I feel like I could say Smirnoff and still get accused of being a bigot. Do we really have to answer? Fine… here goes: Go with a bottle of Moscato, Colt 45 or whatever Lil Wayne is rappin about these days.
Flamingo Joe? Hmmm, let me think. If I were to take a wild guess, he’d probably want some artistic fusion of America and Margaritaville. And Corona. No, Landshark, No, Corona. Yeahhhh, Corona
STILL NOT GETTING ANYWHERE?
Do you like your date? Then you better get a cooler with some goddamn wheels. I can’t think of a figurative Fuck You thats worse than getting a cooler without wheels. No wheels? Fine, you carry it.
Should I add anything else? Vetty sorostitutes know that you don’t earn the title Queen of the Beach or Cooler Champion by painting a cooler alone. Au Contraire. If you have any extra free time, which I’m sure you do as this should be your top priority right now, then make drinking vessels or an auxiliary cooler. Not sure what I’m talking about?
With these, it’s all about the bigger the better
You know when you see a motor home pulling a small car behind it on the highway? Yeah, it’s kind of like that
Nothing says Formal Cooler like a witty catch phrase about getting drunk. Whether you like taking a line from a country song or would rather use “Frat’ in a play on words, we’ve got you covered.
One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor
It’s Five O’clock Somewhere
Time isn’t wasted when your wasted all the time
There’s too much blood in my alcohol system
I’ve got friends in low places
The sun never sets on a badass
Black out or Back out
Keep Calm and Frat On
Frat Hard, Frat Often
Dressed up to get Messed up
Take life with a Grain of Salt, a Slice of Lime, and a Shot of Tequila
Outrageous? Always. Outrage us? Never.
God is Great, Beer is good, and Liberals are crazy
And our favorite:
Vanderbilt, a drinking school with a private research problem
-See you on the beach, Flamingo Joe
Twitpic your finished coolers @VandyBubble. We’ll be posting a gallery of the best ones.